Understanding and Managing Unhelpful Thoughts

Therapist’s View

By Farah Tiwana

This article was originally published by Us Magazine (The News, Jang Group) on 28 October 2022. It is shared here with a few minor changes.

A central premise of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), a commonly used and evidence-based therapy modality, is that thoughts and feelings are interlinked. How we feel may affect what we think, and what we think may affect how we feel. This may seem like something obvious, but in our day-to-day lives we rarely pay much attention to how this link between the two is affecting us.

Any thought you may have is associated with emotions related to that specific thought.

For instance, imagine that you’ve texted a close friend to ask if they’d like to meet you this weekend and almost 24 or more hours have gone by with no response from them.

The time spent waiting for your friend’s response could have you thinking and feeling in a whole variety of ways.

If you’ve had a fulfilling day and you’re feeling more upbeat, you might attribute their lack of response to a more benign reason, and thus may feel much more at ease. It’s possible you may think they are busy with work, family or any other commitments and will get back to you soon. But what’s more important here is how you’ll feel if you had such a thought. You’re most likely not going to have a strong emotional reaction to the lack of response on text.

If you’ve had a difficult day and have been feeling stressed or anxious, you might find yourself worrying that your friend is upset with you or hasn’t responded due to something bad happening to them. You might find yourself thinking they are not responding because they want to avoid you and don’t actually like you. This thought is much more likely to distress you and bring up unpleasant emotions, such as anger, disappointment, anxiety, sadness, loneliness and isolation, than the thought that they’re just busy and will respond soon.

Noticing your thought patterns

The first step towards managing our emotions is to develop an awareness of our thought patterns.

Keeping a journal or a diary may help you do so. Once you write your thoughts down, it may be easier to distance yourself from them and see them more clearly. The goal is not “positive thinking at all costs!” Remember that “negative” or stressful thoughts can also be true in some circumstances, and in those situations one would want to problem-solve rather than change a thinking pattern. Hence, the purpose of recognising your thinking patterns is to develop more realistic thinking. This includes knowing when a problem needs solving beyond your own self-management or coping skills.

Common unhelpful thinking patterns

The types of unhelpful or maladaptive thinking patterns that we usually fall victim to include the following:

Personalisation: Blaming yourself entirely for something beyond your control, or thinking something is said or done with reference to you in particular, even when, objectively, there is little evidence to suggest this. Example: “My parent’s depression is my fault, because if I were the perfect child and took care of all their needs, they would have recovered by now”, ignoring other circumstances that may be contributing, lack of adequate treatment, etc.

Overgeneralisation: Inferring – either from a single event or from a few coincidences – a principle that you apply across the board. For example, “I failed this exam, and it just goes to show that I am a poor student. I can’t succeed at university.”

Minimising the positive: Downplaying positive events or achievements. For example, “I won the general knowledge quiz prize but that’s really not a big deal. I mean, so many people are able to do that. There’s nothing special about winning this.”

Magnifying the negative: This is a pattern whereby your focus is mainly on the negative, even when it is minor in comparison to the positive. For example, “My lecturer said I have a lot of potential and write well, but I need to work on being more concise. She must think I’m so stupid. Ugh, why do I always write long sentences?”

Mind reading: As the name suggests, these kinds of unhelpful thoughts involve assuming you know what others are thinking, or involve predicting how they will react. For example, “Nida was frowning when I was telling her about my new project. She was definitely annoyed with me and was thinking about how I talk too much.”

Emotional reasoning: “This must be true because I feel this way” is the essence of emotional reasoning. Feelings are not facts, but with emotional reasoning we assume they are. For example, “I feel sad and worthless, so I am worthless.”

All-or-nothing thinking: Also called black-and-white thinking, this happens when a person thinks in absolutes. For example, other people are seen as either good or bad; there is nothing in between.

These are just a few examples of unhelpful thoughts. Many longer lists of “cognitive distortions” are freely available online.

Such thoughts are unhealthy because these biases and stuck patterns prevent us from seeing things, people, situations, life and ourselves as we really are: instead, these thoughts show us distorted, unhelpful and often painful versions which keep us trapped in suffering and shame.

Where do these patterns come from?

Once you’ve kept a journal for a while and have started to notice which kinds of unhelpful thoughts you have regularly, you can start reflecting on why you may have developed this thinking pattern. Was this something that was once true? Did these now unhelpful thoughts help you to cope in the past? Were these thoughts direct or indirect messages you may have received from people around you? Allow yourself to explore and understand where these thinking patterns come from. Sometimes it may be obvious and sometimes you may struggle to identify the root of these patterns.

Don’t worry if you cannot identify any reason or any starting point for these thoughts. If nothing comes up for you, then reflect on what these thoughts may be telling you. Are these thoughts signalling that you feel judged, unsafe or isolated? Whatever it may be, notice it and talk to someone (preferably a mental health professional) about it.

Weighing the evidence

Once you recognise your thoughts and their possible roots, you can consider how true or how useful they are now. Make a list of these thoughts and, right next to it, make another list that has objective evidence for and against those specific claims. “Evidence” does not include thoughts or emotions. Evidence will be something external and observable.

The purpose of this exercise is to help you see if these thoughts are unhelpful and no longer relevant for you in the present. When you’ve written down the evidence for and against, you can understand which side has stronger points. If there is more substantial evidence “for” a thought, consider why this is so and whether you need to think about resolving a situation rather than managing your thoughts. If there is more substantial evidence “against” the thought, consider what would be a truer or more realistic and helpful thought to have now. Write down the new thought that you want to have and revisit it daily, whether reading it aloud to yourself or mentally reminding yourself of it when the unhelpful thought intrudes.

This may seem like a lot of effort, but it’s worth it. Recognising and working through unhelpful thoughts will allow you to better understand yourself and your reactions in daily life. Understanding yourself opens the way to being a healthier self.

Disclaimer. The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect those of Aman. It is general information, not a substitute for professional care.